The Two Week Wait SUCKS!!!!!!

So I've been PUPO for a week now. Most of that week went by very quickly. Hubby was home with me a lot. We went to a Weird Al concert over the weekend. And I was in very good, hopeful spirits. But the pessimism and doubt have started to seep back in the past couple of days. And my beta test is still 5 days away :(

I had 10 internet cheapie home pregnancy tests collecting dust in my cabinet, so I started testing out my trigger shot on Sunday. I botched the first test, but still could easily see the HCG from the trigger in my system for the first 3 days. Yesterday it went basically negative (there was a SHADOW of a line, but nothing more) and today it went stark white negative. So I know the trigger is gone and that's nice. But now I'm scared that it won't turn positive again. As long as the trigger was there, I had hope that perhaps some of my body's own HCG was showing up as well. Now, it's painfully obvious that that wasn't the case.

And I'm sure as hell not feeling pregnant. Not that I expected to...but everybody else is expecting me to. Sure my boobs are sore, but they've been sore for a couple of weeks now. Yes, I'm tired and have insomnia, but that's certainly nothing new. It's true my hunger has increased and yeah, I'm crying over tv shows and 20 year old memories...but that could easily be from the stress I'm under or the hormones I'm taking. Apart from one little electric jolt feeling in my uterus, I feel just as I've always felt...like a defective woman being left out of life.

At least I have one good thing to report - my cold is gone. Too bad I still feel "sick."

PUPO!!!

I really didn't expect to feel any different today. Especially after sleeping poorly again last night...I assumed the negativity and tears would only increase. But I was happily mistaken :) The only tears I cried today were tears of joy!

First, I think the Valium loosened me up a bit. Adam was having fun making me laugh and laugh :) Then my doctor came in and gave us the good news - the first blastocyst they thawed had survived and was doing great :) As soon as he left, the tears started. I hadn't realized until that moment how worried I'd been that the blasts wouldn't survive the thaw...or that something else would go wrong. Finally the worry began to melt away and the excitement crept in. I was all smiles by the time of the procedure and it went without a hitch. By the time it was all done, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. And FINALLY I have a live embryo inside me!! FINALLY I'm "Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise"!! After four months of trying to get to this point, I'm actually here...and it feels great :)

Couldn't Care Less Bear

Yep - that's me right about now. Where did that spark of excitement from last week go? Where's the joy I should be feeling that I'm about to be impregnated? Nowhere to be found...that's where. That cold I mentioned last week? Yeah, it's still here. And instead of making me feel better...somehow all of these new meds have only made things worse. I'm not sleeping well, I'm not thinking straight and my emotions are out of control. I've spent most of the last three days in tears. And that light at the end of the tunnel has gone out.

I can't imagine that it's the steroid or antibiotic that's doing this to me...which only leaves the estrogen or progesterone. And guess what? I have to stay on those for at least two more weeks (longer if by some miracle I actually get pregnant). And even if it doesn't work and I get to stop taking them, there's no telling how long it will take my body to return to normal. I just realized a couple of days ago that I've been on hormones constantly since June. At this point, I don't even remember what "normal" feels like!

Perhaps trying IUI, IVF and FET back to back was a stupid idea. I suppose I should've taken breaks in between to recuperate. But after three long years of trying to conceive, I was in no mood to wait any longer. I didn't think that any physical discomfort could outweigh the emotional toll that failure was taking on me. Little did I realize that the physical controlled the emotional so absolutely. Physically I don't feel that bad. But you'd think someone died with all of the crying I've done lately :\ And I have no energy to get out in this beautiful weather (my favorite time of year btw), which is one of the few things that would do me some good right now. Sigh.

Tomorrow is a monumental day...and the procedure is a monumental procedure. Perhaps by then it'll feel that way...

Getting Closer

Welp, I wanted a new drug. Tomorrow I get three of them! Which means today's appointment went well :) My lining is thickening up nicely (10) and my hormone levels are good (E - 852, P - 0.251). Today will be my last day on Lupron (yay!) and then tomorrow I start up Crinone, Doxycycline and Medrol. I am SO excited to get some progesterone back in my system. I haven't had any since June! And perhaps the Doxycycline will have the added benefit of getting rid of this cold I've picked up :\

My next appointment is Tuesday and, unless something goes wrong, the embryo transfer will be on Thursday :) It feels like time is speeding up lately...and a hint of excitement is creeping in. Even my nurse was excited today! Sure, I still feel like crap, but I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Let's hope it turns out to be a green light and not a red one!

I Want a New Drug

So much for estrogen being the answer to all my problems. Don't get me wrong, it has helped. The night sweats aren't as severe, I'm sleeping through the night and the headaches are mostly gone. My temperatures have even restabilized. But I'm far from back to normal. My energy and mood still suck. And the gloomy weather has been matching my countenance. Sigh.

I don't know why these medications seem to affect me so much worse than other infertile women. But it must be true. If everyone felt this bad on them, there'd be no one going through treatment after treatment after treatment. They'd all give up after one or two...as I'm so tempted to do :( It must have something to do with my thyroid disease or fragile adrenals...as evidenced by my low and [up until this week] unstable daily average temperatures. I just hope this isn't a preview of what pregnancy is going to do to me :\

Finally! I Can Get My Fix!

Yesterday began the new cycle (finally THE cycle is here!), and so today warranted a check up appointment. My hormone levels are good (Estradiol - 21.3, Progesterone - <0.2), my ovaries have returned to normal size and so all systems are go! I'll decrease my Lupron dose and start up the Estrogen patches tonight. FINALLY!!! I feel like a drug addict in estrogen withdrawal. I need my fix!!

I actually felt SO bad on the birth control this past month that we'd been considering giving up if this first FET doesn't work. I just can't take feeling like a depressed shell of myself for months and months of my life. So at today's appointment I asked the good doctor if I could do an FET in the future WITHOUT birth control pills and he said yes!!! I would still have to take the Lupron, but as far as I can tell, that hasn't been a huge deal. WOOHOO!! I mean, who knows...if this FET ends badly, we may give up anyway. I honestly don't know how I'll feel. But at least the idea of going through this again isn't so horribly daunting anymore.

My next check up isn't until next Friday (9/30), so I've got a couple more weeks of sitting around twiddling my thumbs before anything exciting happens. You'd think I'd be used to all the waiting by now...hah!

Moaning Infertile Myrtle

Well thankfully the insomnia was just a one-off. I've been sleeping pretty well since then. But the side effects of the birth control have not gone unnoticed. My mood in the beginning was horrible. I was sad/angry/irritable and didn't want to interact with anyone. Some of that passed within the first week, but it hasn't all subsided. I notice myself getting weepy more easily...my joviality has disappeared...I've had bouts of depression...and I feel like this FET is doomed to failure before it's even begun. Not a fun place to be.

I did talk to the nurse about the possibility of transferring two embryos, but she talked me out of it. First of all, it only increases our odds of success by 5%. Woopdeedoo. Secondly, it increases our chances of multiples from <5% to 50-60%. UGH! AND then she had to go and tell me that she just went to a funeral for twins. Thanks. Really needed to hear that right now *eye roll*

And so I'm still in the waiting game. I started the second medication (Lupron) two days ago and so far haven't felt any different on it...whew. But don't feel any better either...sigh. Perhaps after the new cycle begins and I get some estrogen into my system I'll perk back up...and stop eating everything in sight.

My adrenals have been wonky ever since this cycle began. The small dose of hydrocortisone I was trying (5-10mg), that had helped in the previous cycle, was no longer doing the trick. So at first I increased it to 20mg, thinking I probably needed at least that much...but it proved to be too much, so now I'm trying 15mg. I haven't quite hit the sweet spot yet, but I'm working on it. I tried to get my old doctor's help with this, but he wanted to mess with my thyroid medication AGAIN...so I said screw it. I did it on my own before and I can do it on my own again. I've got enough medication side effects to deal with right now without completely changing my thyroid medication too!

I finished reading a book today called "Silent Sorority." It's about one woman's journey through infertility, which did not conclude with a happy ending (as most infertility books do). It was refreshing to hear from someone who ended up involuntarily childless, but survived. It gives me hope that even if our dreams don't come true, I will still have an existence worth cherishing. It certainly won't be easy living outside the status quo, but hey...I feel like I've been outside of that my entire life. Why should my adulthood be any different? :\