During my medicated FET cycle which put me into a stupor, and during the resulting depression after finding out it had been unsuccessful, I found a guilty pleasure to take my mind off of reality: Grey's Anatomy. On those days that I barely had the energy to shower and dress, I'd often watch episode after episode all day long. And one day, an episode wrap-up mentioned this quote and it really hit home:
"You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it." -James M. Barrie
After mulling it over in my mind, I realized that I could have a child. Whether it be biologically mine or not, I could have a child...IF. And there's the rub. I could have a child if:
- I could withstand test after test after test and treatment after treatment after treatment.
- I threw away concern for my health.
- I didn't mind going into massive debt that wouldn't allow me to afford the child once it got here.
- I could be ok with letting infertility be my life's focus for even more years of my life.
- I was alright with alienating friends and family who couldn't support my all-consuming quest.
- I had no concern for my husband's feelings and wishes...or our marriage.
- I didn't mind going to jail for stealing someone else's baby.
So, that last one may be a bit over the top - but it makes the point. If I was willing to sacrifice EVERYTHING ELSE in my life, I could have a child. But the fact is, I'm not willing. My husband and I have sacrificed so much for this dream ALREADY. At some point it's got to come to an end. At some point you've got to realize that there's more to life. And at some point, you've got to move on.
We haven't yet decided if we've reached our finish line yet. We may yet be willing to sacrifice a little more well-being, a little more time and a little more money. And what each person or couple is willing to sacrifice is completely unique. But we know that the next lap of this journey is not going to be a long one for us.
For anyone who has even vaguely considered living child-free (or for young women who haven't yet realized that motherhood is a CHOICE, not an OBLIGATION), I strongly recommend reading the book "Complete Without Kids" by Ellen L. Walker. It did an excellent job of showing me and my husband that our lives will not end if we cannot have a child. Our lives will not be horrible without children. And in fact there are many positive aspects to living without kids. It has been a comfort to me in this time of considering where we should go next.
I also recommend therapy to women and couples going through infertility who have hit a low spot like the one I hit. After my unsuccessful FET, I spent 7 miserable weeks in a depressed funk before seeking help. I had no energy, my creativity and motivation disappeared, I was constantly on the brink of tears and my mind was "stuck" on the topic and anxiety of infertility. Thankfully an empathetic psychologist and some medication have stopped that cycle and I'm already doing worlds better. My brain is functioning again, I'm exercising, I'm eating healthier and I feel a sense of peace about the future...whatever it may hold.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Let Me Give Up
I've encountered an odd response from some folks after telling them the FET didn't work and we might stop trying. They tell me not to give up...that when the time is right we'll have our baby...that we just have to have faith and keep pushing forward. Now I know they're trying to be positive and helpful - I don't get angry at this response. But I've realized that our society has become so success-driven that nobody knows how to let someone fail.
My husband came up with a metaphor that describes the feeling perfectly:
Imagine that you're running a 3-mile race. You get through the first mile with only a mild level of discomfort. A few people are cheering you on, making you feel like you've got this. They've run this race before and it wasn't so bad for them. So you keep going. It's getting a little tougher and the sun is beating down on you hotter, but you've trained for this and you're convinced that you can make it, so you push on and make it to the second mile marker.
The third mile is completely uphill and you trip a few times on the way up, but you're almost there, so you keep on keeping on. A few more friends and family have joined the ranks of people cheering for you, and that gives you the strength to put one foot in front of the other. But once you reach the top of the hill, you notice that they've moved the finish line! The race is now another mile long, at the very least. You're frustrated, but you're strong, so you keep running. Everyone else is still in, so you figure you can do it too. Someone even throws you a water bottle from the sidelines to help keep you hydrated.
You've found your second wind, but out of nowhere a mountain lion runs out of the woods and attacks you! Thankfully someone has a gun and kills it before it kills you, but you're a lot worse for wear. You consider stopping the race...I mean, they've already changed the rules on you once, who's to say they won't do it again? But everyone around you is still running and more people you care about have come out to cheer you on, so you dust yourself off and continue on.
But just as you suspected, once you hit the four mile marker you see that they've moved the finish line AGAIN! A couple of people decide to quit here, but you're stubborn and you don't want to let anybody down, so you run some more. It can't be THAT much further, can it? You trip on a couple of rocks as your strength starts to fail you. You're sweaty, bloody, dehydrated and exhausted, but now people are cheering even louder! They're throwing you water bottles, towels, fans, food...anything you ask for. But it's just not helping anymore. You can barely breathe when you realize that the finish line is still nowhere in sight. But still they push you on!
You see them giving dirty looks to the "quitters" so you press on so as not to be one of "them." Who wants to be a loser? Who wants to be a failure? But after awhile more, you start not to care anymore. You'll take any title they throw at you if you can just make it stop. You cry out in desperation, but it's as if nobody hears you. They smile and cheer on. You try even harder, but there's just nothing left to give. You're a shell of the person you were when you started the race.
Finally you've had enough and you stop running. You sit down and attempt to bring your body back into balance. You really wanted that ribbon, but you're not willing to kill yourself to get it. You see some runners trekking on and wonder how they do it. You figure that they wanted it more than you did...or were willing to sacrifice more to get it. Your family and friends don't give you dirty looks for quitting. Most of them even applaud you for going as long as you did. But others don't seem quite satisfied. They prod you to run another race as soon as you feel up to it, when you're not sure you ever want to put on your running shoes again.
I've come to accept failure as just another path in the road of life. It may be the road less traveled, and some may judge me for heading down it, but my happiness is not up to them. I have to find it for myself. I know that I gave trying-to-conceive my all (and then some) and that gives me comfort. Hopefully one day "giving up" will be a respected option in the infertility quest as well.
My husband came up with a metaphor that describes the feeling perfectly:
Imagine that you're running a 3-mile race. You get through the first mile with only a mild level of discomfort. A few people are cheering you on, making you feel like you've got this. They've run this race before and it wasn't so bad for them. So you keep going. It's getting a little tougher and the sun is beating down on you hotter, but you've trained for this and you're convinced that you can make it, so you push on and make it to the second mile marker.
The third mile is completely uphill and you trip a few times on the way up, but you're almost there, so you keep on keeping on. A few more friends and family have joined the ranks of people cheering for you, and that gives you the strength to put one foot in front of the other. But once you reach the top of the hill, you notice that they've moved the finish line! The race is now another mile long, at the very least. You're frustrated, but you're strong, so you keep running. Everyone else is still in, so you figure you can do it too. Someone even throws you a water bottle from the sidelines to help keep you hydrated.
You've found your second wind, but out of nowhere a mountain lion runs out of the woods and attacks you! Thankfully someone has a gun and kills it before it kills you, but you're a lot worse for wear. You consider stopping the race...I mean, they've already changed the rules on you once, who's to say they won't do it again? But everyone around you is still running and more people you care about have come out to cheer you on, so you dust yourself off and continue on.
But just as you suspected, once you hit the four mile marker you see that they've moved the finish line AGAIN! A couple of people decide to quit here, but you're stubborn and you don't want to let anybody down, so you run some more. It can't be THAT much further, can it? You trip on a couple of rocks as your strength starts to fail you. You're sweaty, bloody, dehydrated and exhausted, but now people are cheering even louder! They're throwing you water bottles, towels, fans, food...anything you ask for. But it's just not helping anymore. You can barely breathe when you realize that the finish line is still nowhere in sight. But still they push you on!
You see them giving dirty looks to the "quitters" so you press on so as not to be one of "them." Who wants to be a loser? Who wants to be a failure? But after awhile more, you start not to care anymore. You'll take any title they throw at you if you can just make it stop. You cry out in desperation, but it's as if nobody hears you. They smile and cheer on. You try even harder, but there's just nothing left to give. You're a shell of the person you were when you started the race.
Finally you've had enough and you stop running. You sit down and attempt to bring your body back into balance. You really wanted that ribbon, but you're not willing to kill yourself to get it. You see some runners trekking on and wonder how they do it. You figure that they wanted it more than you did...or were willing to sacrifice more to get it. Your family and friends don't give you dirty looks for quitting. Most of them even applaud you for going as long as you did. But others don't seem quite satisfied. They prod you to run another race as soon as you feel up to it, when you're not sure you ever want to put on your running shoes again.
I've come to accept failure as just another path in the road of life. It may be the road less traveled, and some may judge me for heading down it, but my happiness is not up to them. I have to find it for myself. I know that I gave trying-to-conceive my all (and then some) and that gives me comfort. Hopefully one day "giving up" will be a respected option in the infertility quest as well.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Soul Break
As I'm sure you can imagine by now, we found out yesterday that I'm not pregnant. The FET completely failed (beta test was negative) and our beautiful little blastocyst didn't make it. It's not considered a miscarriage if the embryo never even implanted, but the pain and loss we're experiencing is about the same as if it were. One moment there was a spark of life we had created that had the potential of being our take-home-baby, and the next moment it was gone.
And the fact that it didn't implant is not a good sign. Strange as it sounds, in the infertility world, a miscarriage (or "chemical" if it's a very early miscarriage) is actually considered to be a good thing. It means that your embryos are strong enough to attempt implantation and that the woman's body is receptive to pregnancy. And it typically means that you should keep trying, because that particular embryo may have been abnormal, but the next one may not be.
But a completely negative test (implantation failure)? That most likely means that either your embryos are crap (and good luck figuring out if that's due to the egg quality or sperm quality) or it means that the woman's body is crap. And neither is easily diagnosed or treated (if it can be diagnosed/treated at all). Or it could mean absolutely nothing other than the stars were out of alignment and karma was kicking you while you were down (I knew I shouldn't have stolen that Strawberry Shortcake figure I found on the floor in kindergarten!). But either way, I'm sick to death of all the testing/treatment. I'm sick of being poked and prodded...sick of opening my legs up for anyone in a lab coat/scrubs to see...sick of shots and pills...sick of a plethora of side effects...sick of the depression all of this causes...and most of all, sick of not feeling like myself. I haven't been "me" for MONTHS and that's just CRAP.
So what happens now? I get my health and my life back, that's what. After three years of trying to conceive and four and a half months of complete hormonal upheaval, I'm going to take a break. I'm going to let my system return to 'normal.' I'm going to find the rainbow sparkles that have gone missing from my soul and put them back. I'm going to enjoy my wonderful life (because apart from infertility, I have a stinking awesome life). I'm going to stop putting everything on hold. I'm going to improve my self and my relationships. And I'm going to be happy again, damn it!
Will we try again? We don't know yet. If my doctor will let me do a non-medicated FET and our insurance still covers it by the time we give a shit again...maybe. Or maybe we'll just be the most awesome geeky child free couple EVER. Who knows? The universe hasn't made its path for us clear yet. But until it does, I'm going to enjoy the hell out of the life I have...as soon as my hormones let me.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
The Two Week Wait SUCKS!!!!!!
So I've been PUPO for a week now. Most of that week went by very quickly. Hubby was home with me a lot. We went to a Weird Al concert over the weekend. And I was in very good, hopeful spirits. But the pessimism and doubt have started to seep back in the past couple of days. And my beta test is still 5 days away :(
I had 10 internet cheapie home pregnancy tests collecting dust in my cabinet, so I started testing out my trigger shot on Sunday. I botched the first test, but still could easily see the HCG from the trigger in my system for the first 3 days. Yesterday it went basically negative (there was a SHADOW of a line, but nothing more) and today it went stark white negative. So I know the trigger is gone and that's nice. But now I'm scared that it won't turn positive again. As long as the trigger was there, I had hope that perhaps some of my body's own HCG was showing up as well. Now, it's painfully obvious that that wasn't the case.
And I'm sure as hell not feeling pregnant. Not that I expected to...but everybody else is expecting me to. Sure my boobs are sore, but they've been sore for a couple of weeks now. Yes, I'm tired and have insomnia, but that's certainly nothing new. It's true my hunger has increased and yeah, I'm crying over tv shows and 20 year old memories...but that could easily be from the stress I'm under or the hormones I'm taking. Apart from one little electric jolt feeling in my uterus, I feel just as I've always felt...like a defective woman being left out of life.
At least I have one good thing to report - my cold is gone. Too bad I still feel "sick."
I had 10 internet cheapie home pregnancy tests collecting dust in my cabinet, so I started testing out my trigger shot on Sunday. I botched the first test, but still could easily see the HCG from the trigger in my system for the first 3 days. Yesterday it went basically negative (there was a SHADOW of a line, but nothing more) and today it went stark white negative. So I know the trigger is gone and that's nice. But now I'm scared that it won't turn positive again. As long as the trigger was there, I had hope that perhaps some of my body's own HCG was showing up as well. Now, it's painfully obvious that that wasn't the case.
And I'm sure as hell not feeling pregnant. Not that I expected to...but everybody else is expecting me to. Sure my boobs are sore, but they've been sore for a couple of weeks now. Yes, I'm tired and have insomnia, but that's certainly nothing new. It's true my hunger has increased and yeah, I'm crying over tv shows and 20 year old memories...but that could easily be from the stress I'm under or the hormones I'm taking. Apart from one little electric jolt feeling in my uterus, I feel just as I've always felt...like a defective woman being left out of life.
At least I have one good thing to report - my cold is gone. Too bad I still feel "sick."
Thursday, October 6, 2011
PUPO!!!
I really didn't expect to feel any different today. Especially after sleeping poorly again last night...I assumed the negativity and tears would only increase. But I was happily mistaken :) The only tears I cried today were tears of joy!
First, I think the Valium loosened me up a bit. Adam was having fun making me laugh and laugh :) Then my doctor came in and gave us the good news - the first blastocyst they thawed had survived and was doing great :) As soon as he left, the tears started. I hadn't realized until that moment how worried I'd been that the blasts wouldn't survive the thaw...or that something else would go wrong. Finally the worry began to melt away and the excitement crept in. I was all smiles by the time of the procedure and it went without a hitch. By the time it was all done, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. And FINALLY I have a live embryo inside me!! FINALLY I'm "Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise"!! After four months of trying to get to this point, I'm actually here...and it feels great :)
First, I think the Valium loosened me up a bit. Adam was having fun making me laugh and laugh :) Then my doctor came in and gave us the good news - the first blastocyst they thawed had survived and was doing great :) As soon as he left, the tears started. I hadn't realized until that moment how worried I'd been that the blasts wouldn't survive the thaw...or that something else would go wrong. Finally the worry began to melt away and the excitement crept in. I was all smiles by the time of the procedure and it went without a hitch. By the time it was all done, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. And FINALLY I have a live embryo inside me!! FINALLY I'm "Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise"!! After four months of trying to get to this point, I'm actually here...and it feels great :)
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Couldn't Care Less Bear
Yep - that's me right about now. Where did that spark of excitement from last week go? Where's the joy I should be feeling that I'm about to be impregnated? Nowhere to be found...that's where. That cold I mentioned last week? Yeah, it's still here. And instead of making me feel better...somehow all of these new meds have only made things worse. I'm not sleeping well, I'm not thinking straight and my emotions are out of control. I've spent most of the last three days in tears. And that light at the end of the tunnel has gone out.
I can't imagine that it's the steroid or antibiotic that's doing this to me...which only leaves the estrogen or progesterone. And guess what? I have to stay on those for at least two more weeks (longer if by some miracle I actually get pregnant). And even if it doesn't work and I get to stop taking them, there's no telling how long it will take my body to return to normal. I just realized a couple of days ago that I've been on hormones constantly since June. At this point, I don't even remember what "normal" feels like!
Perhaps trying IUI, IVF and FET back to back was a stupid idea. I suppose I should've taken breaks in between to recuperate. But after three long years of trying to conceive, I was in no mood to wait any longer. I didn't think that any physical discomfort could outweigh the emotional toll that failure was taking on me. Little did I realize that the physical controlled the emotional so absolutely. Physically I don't feel that bad. But you'd think someone died with all of the crying I've done lately :\ And I have no energy to get out in this beautiful weather (my favorite time of year btw), which is one of the few things that would do me some good right now. Sigh.
Tomorrow is a monumental day...and the procedure is a monumental procedure. Perhaps by then it'll feel that way...
Friday, September 30, 2011
Getting Closer
Welp, I wanted a new drug. Tomorrow I get three of them! Which means today's appointment went well :) My lining is thickening up nicely (10) and my hormone levels are good (E - 852, P - 0.251). Today will be my last day on Lupron (yay!) and then tomorrow I start up Crinone, Doxycycline and Medrol. I am SO excited to get some progesterone back in my system. I haven't had any since June! And perhaps the Doxycycline will have the added benefit of getting rid of this cold I've picked up :\
My next appointment is Tuesday and, unless something goes wrong, the embryo transfer will be on Thursday :) It feels like time is speeding up lately...and a hint of excitement is creeping in. Even my nurse was excited today! Sure, I still feel like crap, but I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Let's hope it turns out to be a green light and not a red one!
My next appointment is Tuesday and, unless something goes wrong, the embryo transfer will be on Thursday :) It feels like time is speeding up lately...and a hint of excitement is creeping in. Even my nurse was excited today! Sure, I still feel like crap, but I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Let's hope it turns out to be a green light and not a red one!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
