Sacrifice

During my medicated FET cycle which put me into a stupor, and during the resulting depression after finding out it had been unsuccessful, I found a guilty pleasure to take my mind off of reality: Grey's Anatomy. On those days that I barely had the energy to shower and dress, I'd often watch episode after episode all day long. And one day, an episode wrap-up mentioned this quote and it really hit home:

"You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it." -James M. Barrie

After mulling it over in my mind, I realized that I could have a child. Whether it be biologically mine or not, I could have a child...IF. And there's the rub. I could have a child if:

- I could withstand test after test after test and treatment after treatment after treatment.
- I threw away concern for my health.
- I didn't mind going into massive debt that wouldn't allow me to afford the child once it got here.
- I could be ok with letting infertility be my life's focus for even more years of my life.
- I was alright with alienating friends and family who couldn't support my all-consuming quest.
- I had no concern for my husband's feelings and wishes...or our marriage.
- I didn't mind going to jail for stealing someone else's baby.

So, that last one may be a bit over the top - but it makes the point. If I was willing to sacrifice EVERYTHING ELSE in my life, I could have a child. But the fact is, I'm not willing. My husband and I have sacrificed so much for this dream ALREADY. At some point it's got to come to an end. At some point you've got to realize that there's more to life. And at some point, you've got to move on.

We haven't yet decided if we've reached our finish line yet. We may yet be willing to sacrifice a little more well-being, a little more time and a little more money. And what each person or couple is willing to sacrifice is completely unique. But we know that the next lap of this journey is not going to be a long one for us.

For anyone who has even vaguely considered living child-free (or for young women who haven't yet realized that motherhood is a CHOICE, not an OBLIGATION), I strongly recommend reading the book "Complete Without Kids" by Ellen L. Walker. It did an excellent job of showing me and my husband that our lives will not end if we cannot have a child. Our lives will not be horrible without children. And in fact there are many positive aspects to living without kids. It has been a comfort to me in this time of considering where we should go next.

I also recommend therapy to women and couples going through infertility who have hit a low spot like the one I hit. After my unsuccessful FET, I spent 7 miserable weeks in a depressed funk before seeking help. I had no energy, my creativity and motivation disappeared, I was constantly on the brink of tears and my mind was "stuck" on the topic and anxiety of infertility. Thankfully an empathetic psychologist and some medication have stopped that cycle and I'm already doing worlds better. My brain is functioning again, I'm exercising, I'm eating healthier and I feel a sense of peace about the future...whatever it may hold.