Soul Break

As humans, we get our hearts broken pretty often. Someone or something disappoints, betrays or hurts us and we deal with the situation and pain the best we can until time takes it away. But there are some life hurts that leave us forever changed, and while time may soften the blow, it can never remove it. I call these soul breaks. I've only had a few in my life - my parents' divorce, a couple of romantic breakups and a period of psychological abuse - but now I have another...infertility. And the break gets deeper and wider with each new failure.

As I'm sure you can imagine by now, we found out yesterday that I'm not pregnant. The FET completely failed (beta test was negative) and our beautiful little blastocyst didn't make it. It's not considered a miscarriage if the embryo never even implanted, but the pain and loss we're experiencing is about the same as if it were. One moment there was a spark of life we had created that had the potential of being our take-home-baby, and the next moment it was gone.

And the fact that it didn't implant is not a good sign. Strange as it sounds, in the infertility world, a miscarriage (or "chemical" if it's a very early miscarriage) is actually considered to be a good thing. It means that your embryos are strong enough to attempt implantation and that the woman's body is receptive to pregnancy. And it typically means that you should keep trying, because that particular embryo may have been abnormal, but the next one may not be.

But a completely negative test (implantation failure)? That most likely means that either your embryos are crap (and good luck figuring out if that's due to the egg quality or sperm quality) or it means that the woman's body is crap. And neither is easily diagnosed or treated (if it can be diagnosed/treated at all). Or it could mean absolutely nothing other than the stars were out of alignment and karma was kicking you while you were down (I knew I shouldn't have stolen that Strawberry Shortcake figure I found on the floor in kindergarten!). But either way, I'm sick to death of all the testing/treatment. I'm sick of being poked and prodded...sick of opening my legs up for anyone in a lab coat/scrubs to see...sick of shots and pills...sick of a plethora of side effects...sick of the depression all of this causes...and most of all, sick of not feeling like myself. I haven't been "me" for MONTHS and that's just CRAP.

So what happens now? I get my health and my life back, that's what. After three years of trying to conceive and four and a half months of complete hormonal upheaval, I'm going to take a break. I'm going to let my system return to 'normal.' I'm going to find the rainbow sparkles that have gone missing from my soul and put them back. I'm going to enjoy my wonderful life (because apart from infertility, I have a stinking awesome life). I'm going to stop putting everything on hold. I'm going to improve my self and my relationships. And I'm going to be happy again, damn it!

Will we try again? We don't know yet. If my doctor will let me do a non-medicated FET and our insurance still covers it by the time we give a shit again...maybe. Or maybe we'll just be the most awesome geeky child free couple EVER. Who knows? The universe hasn't made its path for us clear yet. But until it does, I'm going to enjoy the hell out of the life I have...as soon as my hormones let me.

The Two Week Wait SUCKS!!!!!!

So I've been PUPO for a week now. Most of that week went by very quickly. Hubby was home with me a lot. We went to a Weird Al concert over the weekend. And I was in very good, hopeful spirits. But the pessimism and doubt have started to seep back in the past couple of days. And my beta test is still 5 days away :(

I had 10 internet cheapie home pregnancy tests collecting dust in my cabinet, so I started testing out my trigger shot on Sunday. I botched the first test, but still could easily see the HCG from the trigger in my system for the first 3 days. Yesterday it went basically negative (there was a SHADOW of a line, but nothing more) and today it went stark white negative. So I know the trigger is gone and that's nice. But now I'm scared that it won't turn positive again. As long as the trigger was there, I had hope that perhaps some of my body's own HCG was showing up as well. Now, it's painfully obvious that that wasn't the case.

And I'm sure as hell not feeling pregnant. Not that I expected to...but everybody else is expecting me to. Sure my boobs are sore, but they've been sore for a couple of weeks now. Yes, I'm tired and have insomnia, but that's certainly nothing new. It's true my hunger has increased and yeah, I'm crying over tv shows and 20 year old memories...but that could easily be from the stress I'm under or the hormones I'm taking. Apart from one little electric jolt feeling in my uterus, I feel just as I've always felt...like a defective woman being left out of life.

At least I have one good thing to report - my cold is gone. Too bad I still feel "sick."

PUPO!!!

I really didn't expect to feel any different today. Especially after sleeping poorly again last night...I assumed the negativity and tears would only increase. But I was happily mistaken :) The only tears I cried today were tears of joy!

First, I think the Valium loosened me up a bit. Adam was having fun making me laugh and laugh :) Then my doctor came in and gave us the good news - the first blastocyst they thawed had survived and was doing great :) As soon as he left, the tears started. I hadn't realized until that moment how worried I'd been that the blasts wouldn't survive the thaw...or that something else would go wrong. Finally the worry began to melt away and the excitement crept in. I was all smiles by the time of the procedure and it went without a hitch. By the time it was all done, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. And FINALLY I have a live embryo inside me!! FINALLY I'm "Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise"!! After four months of trying to get to this point, I'm actually here...and it feels great :)

Couldn't Care Less Bear

Yep - that's me right about now. Where did that spark of excitement from last week go? Where's the joy I should be feeling that I'm about to be impregnated? Nowhere to be found...that's where. That cold I mentioned last week? Yeah, it's still here. And instead of making me feel better...somehow all of these new meds have only made things worse. I'm not sleeping well, I'm not thinking straight and my emotions are out of control. I've spent most of the last three days in tears. And that light at the end of the tunnel has gone out.

I can't imagine that it's the steroid or antibiotic that's doing this to me...which only leaves the estrogen or progesterone. And guess what? I have to stay on those for at least two more weeks (longer if by some miracle I actually get pregnant). And even if it doesn't work and I get to stop taking them, there's no telling how long it will take my body to return to normal. I just realized a couple of days ago that I've been on hormones constantly since June. At this point, I don't even remember what "normal" feels like!

Perhaps trying IUI, IVF and FET back to back was a stupid idea. I suppose I should've taken breaks in between to recuperate. But after three long years of trying to conceive, I was in no mood to wait any longer. I didn't think that any physical discomfort could outweigh the emotional toll that failure was taking on me. Little did I realize that the physical controlled the emotional so absolutely. Physically I don't feel that bad. But you'd think someone died with all of the crying I've done lately :\ And I have no energy to get out in this beautiful weather (my favorite time of year btw), which is one of the few things that would do me some good right now. Sigh.

Tomorrow is a monumental day...and the procedure is a monumental procedure. Perhaps by then it'll feel that way...