During my medicated FET cycle which put me into a stupor, and during the resulting depression after finding out it had been unsuccessful, I found a guilty pleasure to take my mind off of reality: Grey's Anatomy. On those days that I barely had the energy to shower and dress, I'd often watch episode after episode all day long. And one day, an episode wrap-up mentioned this quote and it really hit home:
"You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it." -James M. Barrie
After mulling it over in my mind, I realized that I could have a child. Whether it be biologically mine or not, I could have a child...IF. And there's the rub. I could have a child if:
- I could withstand test after test after test and treatment after treatment after treatment.
- I threw away concern for my health.
- I didn't mind going into massive debt that wouldn't allow me to afford the child once it got here.
- I could be ok with letting infertility be my life's focus for even more years of my life.
- I was alright with alienating friends and family who couldn't support my all-consuming quest.
- I had no concern for my husband's feelings and wishes...or our marriage.
- I didn't mind going to jail for stealing someone else's baby.
So, that last one may be a bit over the top - but it makes the point. If I was willing to sacrifice EVERYTHING ELSE in my life, I could have a child. But the fact is, I'm not willing. My husband and I have sacrificed so much for this dream ALREADY. At some point it's got to come to an end. At some point you've got to realize that there's more to life. And at some point, you've got to move on.
We haven't yet decided if we've reached our finish line yet. We may yet be willing to sacrifice a little more well-being, a little more time and a little more money. And what each person or couple is willing to sacrifice is completely unique. But we know that the next lap of this journey is not going to be a long one for us.
For anyone who has even vaguely considered living child-free (or for young women who haven't yet realized that motherhood is a CHOICE, not an OBLIGATION), I strongly recommend reading the book "Complete Without Kids" by Ellen L. Walker. It did an excellent job of showing me and my husband that our lives will not end if we cannot have a child. Our lives will not be horrible without children. And in fact there are many positive aspects to living without kids. It has been a comfort to me in this time of considering where we should go next.
I also recommend therapy to women and couples going through infertility who have hit a low spot like the one I hit. After my unsuccessful FET, I spent 7 miserable weeks in a depressed funk before seeking help. I had no energy, my creativity and motivation disappeared, I was constantly on the brink of tears and my mind was "stuck" on the topic and anxiety of infertility. Thankfully an empathetic psychologist and some medication have stopped that cycle and I'm already doing worlds better. My brain is functioning again, I'm exercising, I'm eating healthier and I feel a sense of peace about the future...whatever it may hold.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Let Me Give Up
I've encountered an odd response from some folks after telling them the FET didn't work and we might stop trying. They tell me not to give up...that when the time is right we'll have our baby...that we just have to have faith and keep pushing forward. Now I know they're trying to be positive and helpful - I don't get angry at this response. But I've realized that our society has become so success-driven that nobody knows how to let someone fail.
My husband came up with a metaphor that describes the feeling perfectly:
Imagine that you're running a 3-mile race. You get through the first mile with only a mild level of discomfort. A few people are cheering you on, making you feel like you've got this. They've run this race before and it wasn't so bad for them. So you keep going. It's getting a little tougher and the sun is beating down on you hotter, but you've trained for this and you're convinced that you can make it, so you push on and make it to the second mile marker.
The third mile is completely uphill and you trip a few times on the way up, but you're almost there, so you keep on keeping on. A few more friends and family have joined the ranks of people cheering for you, and that gives you the strength to put one foot in front of the other. But once you reach the top of the hill, you notice that they've moved the finish line! The race is now another mile long, at the very least. You're frustrated, but you're strong, so you keep running. Everyone else is still in, so you figure you can do it too. Someone even throws you a water bottle from the sidelines to help keep you hydrated.
You've found your second wind, but out of nowhere a mountain lion runs out of the woods and attacks you! Thankfully someone has a gun and kills it before it kills you, but you're a lot worse for wear. You consider stopping the race...I mean, they've already changed the rules on you once, who's to say they won't do it again? But everyone around you is still running and more people you care about have come out to cheer you on, so you dust yourself off and continue on.
But just as you suspected, once you hit the four mile marker you see that they've moved the finish line AGAIN! A couple of people decide to quit here, but you're stubborn and you don't want to let anybody down, so you run some more. It can't be THAT much further, can it? You trip on a couple of rocks as your strength starts to fail you. You're sweaty, bloody, dehydrated and exhausted, but now people are cheering even louder! They're throwing you water bottles, towels, fans, food...anything you ask for. But it's just not helping anymore. You can barely breathe when you realize that the finish line is still nowhere in sight. But still they push you on!
You see them giving dirty looks to the "quitters" so you press on so as not to be one of "them." Who wants to be a loser? Who wants to be a failure? But after awhile more, you start not to care anymore. You'll take any title they throw at you if you can just make it stop. You cry out in desperation, but it's as if nobody hears you. They smile and cheer on. You try even harder, but there's just nothing left to give. You're a shell of the person you were when you started the race.
Finally you've had enough and you stop running. You sit down and attempt to bring your body back into balance. You really wanted that ribbon, but you're not willing to kill yourself to get it. You see some runners trekking on and wonder how they do it. You figure that they wanted it more than you did...or were willing to sacrifice more to get it. Your family and friends don't give you dirty looks for quitting. Most of them even applaud you for going as long as you did. But others don't seem quite satisfied. They prod you to run another race as soon as you feel up to it, when you're not sure you ever want to put on your running shoes again.
I've come to accept failure as just another path in the road of life. It may be the road less traveled, and some may judge me for heading down it, but my happiness is not up to them. I have to find it for myself. I know that I gave trying-to-conceive my all (and then some) and that gives me comfort. Hopefully one day "giving up" will be a respected option in the infertility quest as well.
My husband came up with a metaphor that describes the feeling perfectly:
Imagine that you're running a 3-mile race. You get through the first mile with only a mild level of discomfort. A few people are cheering you on, making you feel like you've got this. They've run this race before and it wasn't so bad for them. So you keep going. It's getting a little tougher and the sun is beating down on you hotter, but you've trained for this and you're convinced that you can make it, so you push on and make it to the second mile marker.
The third mile is completely uphill and you trip a few times on the way up, but you're almost there, so you keep on keeping on. A few more friends and family have joined the ranks of people cheering for you, and that gives you the strength to put one foot in front of the other. But once you reach the top of the hill, you notice that they've moved the finish line! The race is now another mile long, at the very least. You're frustrated, but you're strong, so you keep running. Everyone else is still in, so you figure you can do it too. Someone even throws you a water bottle from the sidelines to help keep you hydrated.
You've found your second wind, but out of nowhere a mountain lion runs out of the woods and attacks you! Thankfully someone has a gun and kills it before it kills you, but you're a lot worse for wear. You consider stopping the race...I mean, they've already changed the rules on you once, who's to say they won't do it again? But everyone around you is still running and more people you care about have come out to cheer you on, so you dust yourself off and continue on.
But just as you suspected, once you hit the four mile marker you see that they've moved the finish line AGAIN! A couple of people decide to quit here, but you're stubborn and you don't want to let anybody down, so you run some more. It can't be THAT much further, can it? You trip on a couple of rocks as your strength starts to fail you. You're sweaty, bloody, dehydrated and exhausted, but now people are cheering even louder! They're throwing you water bottles, towels, fans, food...anything you ask for. But it's just not helping anymore. You can barely breathe when you realize that the finish line is still nowhere in sight. But still they push you on!
You see them giving dirty looks to the "quitters" so you press on so as not to be one of "them." Who wants to be a loser? Who wants to be a failure? But after awhile more, you start not to care anymore. You'll take any title they throw at you if you can just make it stop. You cry out in desperation, but it's as if nobody hears you. They smile and cheer on. You try even harder, but there's just nothing left to give. You're a shell of the person you were when you started the race.
Finally you've had enough and you stop running. You sit down and attempt to bring your body back into balance. You really wanted that ribbon, but you're not willing to kill yourself to get it. You see some runners trekking on and wonder how they do it. You figure that they wanted it more than you did...or were willing to sacrifice more to get it. Your family and friends don't give you dirty looks for quitting. Most of them even applaud you for going as long as you did. But others don't seem quite satisfied. They prod you to run another race as soon as you feel up to it, when you're not sure you ever want to put on your running shoes again.
I've come to accept failure as just another path in the road of life. It may be the road less traveled, and some may judge me for heading down it, but my happiness is not up to them. I have to find it for myself. I know that I gave trying-to-conceive my all (and then some) and that gives me comfort. Hopefully one day "giving up" will be a respected option in the infertility quest as well.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Soul Break
As I'm sure you can imagine by now, we found out yesterday that I'm not pregnant. The FET completely failed (beta test was negative) and our beautiful little blastocyst didn't make it. It's not considered a miscarriage if the embryo never even implanted, but the pain and loss we're experiencing is about the same as if it were. One moment there was a spark of life we had created that had the potential of being our take-home-baby, and the next moment it was gone.
And the fact that it didn't implant is not a good sign. Strange as it sounds, in the infertility world, a miscarriage (or "chemical" if it's a very early miscarriage) is actually considered to be a good thing. It means that your embryos are strong enough to attempt implantation and that the woman's body is receptive to pregnancy. And it typically means that you should keep trying, because that particular embryo may have been abnormal, but the next one may not be.
But a completely negative test (implantation failure)? That most likely means that either your embryos are crap (and good luck figuring out if that's due to the egg quality or sperm quality) or it means that the woman's body is crap. And neither is easily diagnosed or treated (if it can be diagnosed/treated at all). Or it could mean absolutely nothing other than the stars were out of alignment and karma was kicking you while you were down (I knew I shouldn't have stolen that Strawberry Shortcake figure I found on the floor in kindergarten!). But either way, I'm sick to death of all the testing/treatment. I'm sick of being poked and prodded...sick of opening my legs up for anyone in a lab coat/scrubs to see...sick of shots and pills...sick of a plethora of side effects...sick of the depression all of this causes...and most of all, sick of not feeling like myself. I haven't been "me" for MONTHS and that's just CRAP.
So what happens now? I get my health and my life back, that's what. After three years of trying to conceive and four and a half months of complete hormonal upheaval, I'm going to take a break. I'm going to let my system return to 'normal.' I'm going to find the rainbow sparkles that have gone missing from my soul and put them back. I'm going to enjoy my wonderful life (because apart from infertility, I have a stinking awesome life). I'm going to stop putting everything on hold. I'm going to improve my self and my relationships. And I'm going to be happy again, damn it!
Will we try again? We don't know yet. If my doctor will let me do a non-medicated FET and our insurance still covers it by the time we give a shit again...maybe. Or maybe we'll just be the most awesome geeky child free couple EVER. Who knows? The universe hasn't made its path for us clear yet. But until it does, I'm going to enjoy the hell out of the life I have...as soon as my hormones let me.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
The Two Week Wait SUCKS!!!!!!
So I've been PUPO for a week now. Most of that week went by very quickly. Hubby was home with me a lot. We went to a Weird Al concert over the weekend. And I was in very good, hopeful spirits. But the pessimism and doubt have started to seep back in the past couple of days. And my beta test is still 5 days away :(
I had 10 internet cheapie home pregnancy tests collecting dust in my cabinet, so I started testing out my trigger shot on Sunday. I botched the first test, but still could easily see the HCG from the trigger in my system for the first 3 days. Yesterday it went basically negative (there was a SHADOW of a line, but nothing more) and today it went stark white negative. So I know the trigger is gone and that's nice. But now I'm scared that it won't turn positive again. As long as the trigger was there, I had hope that perhaps some of my body's own HCG was showing up as well. Now, it's painfully obvious that that wasn't the case.
And I'm sure as hell not feeling pregnant. Not that I expected to...but everybody else is expecting me to. Sure my boobs are sore, but they've been sore for a couple of weeks now. Yes, I'm tired and have insomnia, but that's certainly nothing new. It's true my hunger has increased and yeah, I'm crying over tv shows and 20 year old memories...but that could easily be from the stress I'm under or the hormones I'm taking. Apart from one little electric jolt feeling in my uterus, I feel just as I've always felt...like a defective woman being left out of life.
At least I have one good thing to report - my cold is gone. Too bad I still feel "sick."
I had 10 internet cheapie home pregnancy tests collecting dust in my cabinet, so I started testing out my trigger shot on Sunday. I botched the first test, but still could easily see the HCG from the trigger in my system for the first 3 days. Yesterday it went basically negative (there was a SHADOW of a line, but nothing more) and today it went stark white negative. So I know the trigger is gone and that's nice. But now I'm scared that it won't turn positive again. As long as the trigger was there, I had hope that perhaps some of my body's own HCG was showing up as well. Now, it's painfully obvious that that wasn't the case.
And I'm sure as hell not feeling pregnant. Not that I expected to...but everybody else is expecting me to. Sure my boobs are sore, but they've been sore for a couple of weeks now. Yes, I'm tired and have insomnia, but that's certainly nothing new. It's true my hunger has increased and yeah, I'm crying over tv shows and 20 year old memories...but that could easily be from the stress I'm under or the hormones I'm taking. Apart from one little electric jolt feeling in my uterus, I feel just as I've always felt...like a defective woman being left out of life.
At least I have one good thing to report - my cold is gone. Too bad I still feel "sick."
Thursday, October 6, 2011
PUPO!!!
I really didn't expect to feel any different today. Especially after sleeping poorly again last night...I assumed the negativity and tears would only increase. But I was happily mistaken :) The only tears I cried today were tears of joy!
First, I think the Valium loosened me up a bit. Adam was having fun making me laugh and laugh :) Then my doctor came in and gave us the good news - the first blastocyst they thawed had survived and was doing great :) As soon as he left, the tears started. I hadn't realized until that moment how worried I'd been that the blasts wouldn't survive the thaw...or that something else would go wrong. Finally the worry began to melt away and the excitement crept in. I was all smiles by the time of the procedure and it went without a hitch. By the time it was all done, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. And FINALLY I have a live embryo inside me!! FINALLY I'm "Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise"!! After four months of trying to get to this point, I'm actually here...and it feels great :)
First, I think the Valium loosened me up a bit. Adam was having fun making me laugh and laugh :) Then my doctor came in and gave us the good news - the first blastocyst they thawed had survived and was doing great :) As soon as he left, the tears started. I hadn't realized until that moment how worried I'd been that the blasts wouldn't survive the thaw...or that something else would go wrong. Finally the worry began to melt away and the excitement crept in. I was all smiles by the time of the procedure and it went without a hitch. By the time it was all done, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. And FINALLY I have a live embryo inside me!! FINALLY I'm "Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise"!! After four months of trying to get to this point, I'm actually here...and it feels great :)
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Couldn't Care Less Bear
Yep - that's me right about now. Where did that spark of excitement from last week go? Where's the joy I should be feeling that I'm about to be impregnated? Nowhere to be found...that's where. That cold I mentioned last week? Yeah, it's still here. And instead of making me feel better...somehow all of these new meds have only made things worse. I'm not sleeping well, I'm not thinking straight and my emotions are out of control. I've spent most of the last three days in tears. And that light at the end of the tunnel has gone out.
I can't imagine that it's the steroid or antibiotic that's doing this to me...which only leaves the estrogen or progesterone. And guess what? I have to stay on those for at least two more weeks (longer if by some miracle I actually get pregnant). And even if it doesn't work and I get to stop taking them, there's no telling how long it will take my body to return to normal. I just realized a couple of days ago that I've been on hormones constantly since June. At this point, I don't even remember what "normal" feels like!
Perhaps trying IUI, IVF and FET back to back was a stupid idea. I suppose I should've taken breaks in between to recuperate. But after three long years of trying to conceive, I was in no mood to wait any longer. I didn't think that any physical discomfort could outweigh the emotional toll that failure was taking on me. Little did I realize that the physical controlled the emotional so absolutely. Physically I don't feel that bad. But you'd think someone died with all of the crying I've done lately :\ And I have no energy to get out in this beautiful weather (my favorite time of year btw), which is one of the few things that would do me some good right now. Sigh.
Tomorrow is a monumental day...and the procedure is a monumental procedure. Perhaps by then it'll feel that way...
Friday, September 30, 2011
Getting Closer
Welp, I wanted a new drug. Tomorrow I get three of them! Which means today's appointment went well :) My lining is thickening up nicely (10) and my hormone levels are good (E - 852, P - 0.251). Today will be my last day on Lupron (yay!) and then tomorrow I start up Crinone, Doxycycline and Medrol. I am SO excited to get some progesterone back in my system. I haven't had any since June! And perhaps the Doxycycline will have the added benefit of getting rid of this cold I've picked up :\
My next appointment is Tuesday and, unless something goes wrong, the embryo transfer will be on Thursday :) It feels like time is speeding up lately...and a hint of excitement is creeping in. Even my nurse was excited today! Sure, I still feel like crap, but I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Let's hope it turns out to be a green light and not a red one!
My next appointment is Tuesday and, unless something goes wrong, the embryo transfer will be on Thursday :) It feels like time is speeding up lately...and a hint of excitement is creeping in. Even my nurse was excited today! Sure, I still feel like crap, but I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Let's hope it turns out to be a green light and not a red one!
Friday, September 23, 2011
I Want a New Drug
So much for estrogen being the answer to all my problems. Don't get me wrong, it has helped. The night sweats aren't as severe, I'm sleeping through the night and the headaches are mostly gone. My temperatures have even restabilized. But I'm far from back to normal. My energy and mood still suck. And the gloomy weather has been matching my countenance. Sigh.
I don't know why these medications seem to affect me so much worse than other infertile women. But it must be true. If everyone felt this bad on them, there'd be no one going through treatment after treatment after treatment. They'd all give up after one or two...as I'm so tempted to do :( It must have something to do with my thyroid disease or fragile adrenals...as evidenced by my low and [up until this week] unstable daily average temperatures. I just hope this isn't a preview of what pregnancy is going to do to me :\
Monday, September 19, 2011
Finally! I Can Get My Fix!
Yesterday began the new cycle (finally THE cycle is here!), and so today warranted a check up appointment. My hormone levels are good (Estradiol - 21.3, Progesterone - <0.2), my ovaries have returned to normal size and so all systems are go! I'll decrease my Lupron dose and start up the Estrogen patches tonight. FINALLY!!! I feel like a drug addict in estrogen withdrawal. I need my fix!!
I actually felt SO bad on the birth control this past month that we'd been considering giving up if this first FET doesn't work. I just can't take feeling like a depressed shell of myself for months and months of my life. So at today's appointment I asked the good doctor if I could do an FET in the future WITHOUT birth control pills and he said yes!!! I would still have to take the Lupron, but as far as I can tell, that hasn't been a huge deal. WOOHOO!! I mean, who knows...if this FET ends badly, we may give up anyway. I honestly don't know how I'll feel. But at least the idea of going through this again isn't so horribly daunting anymore.
My next check up isn't until next Friday (9/30), so I've got a couple more weeks of sitting around twiddling my thumbs before anything exciting happens. You'd think I'd be used to all the waiting by now...hah!
I actually felt SO bad on the birth control this past month that we'd been considering giving up if this first FET doesn't work. I just can't take feeling like a depressed shell of myself for months and months of my life. So at today's appointment I asked the good doctor if I could do an FET in the future WITHOUT birth control pills and he said yes!!! I would still have to take the Lupron, but as far as I can tell, that hasn't been a huge deal. WOOHOO!! I mean, who knows...if this FET ends badly, we may give up anyway. I honestly don't know how I'll feel. But at least the idea of going through this again isn't so horribly daunting anymore.
My next check up isn't until next Friday (9/30), so I've got a couple more weeks of sitting around twiddling my thumbs before anything exciting happens. You'd think I'd be used to all the waiting by now...hah!
Friday, September 9, 2011
Moaning Infertile Myrtle
Well thankfully the insomnia was just a one-off. I've been sleeping pretty well since then. But the side effects of the birth control have not gone unnoticed. My mood in the beginning was horrible. I was sad/angry/irritable and didn't want to interact with anyone. Some of that passed within the first week, but it hasn't all subsided. I notice myself getting weepy more easily...my joviality has disappeared...I've had bouts of depression...and I feel like this FET is doomed to failure before it's even begun. Not a fun place to be.
I did talk to the nurse about the possibility of transferring two embryos, but she talked me out of it. First of all, it only increases our odds of success by 5%. Woopdeedoo. Secondly, it increases our chances of multiples from <5% to 50-60%. UGH! AND then she had to go and tell me that she just went to a funeral for twins. Thanks. Really needed to hear that right now *eye roll*
And so I'm still in the waiting game. I started the second medication (Lupron) two days ago and so far haven't felt any different on it...whew. But don't feel any better either...sigh. Perhaps after the new cycle begins and I get some estrogen into my system I'll perk back up...and stop eating everything in sight.
My adrenals have been wonky ever since this cycle began. The small dose of hydrocortisone I was trying (5-10mg), that had helped in the previous cycle, was no longer doing the trick. So at first I increased it to 20mg, thinking I probably needed at least that much...but it proved to be too much, so now I'm trying 15mg. I haven't quite hit the sweet spot yet, but I'm working on it. I tried to get my old doctor's help with this, but he wanted to mess with my thyroid medication AGAIN...so I said screw it. I did it on my own before and I can do it on my own again. I've got enough medication side effects to deal with right now without completely changing my thyroid medication too!
I finished reading a book today called "Silent Sorority." It's about one woman's journey through infertility, which did not conclude with a happy ending (as most infertility books do). It was refreshing to hear from someone who ended up involuntarily childless, but survived. It gives me hope that even if our dreams don't come true, I will still have an existence worth cherishing. It certainly won't be easy living outside the status quo, but hey...I feel like I've been outside of that my entire life. Why should my adulthood be any different? :\
I did talk to the nurse about the possibility of transferring two embryos, but she talked me out of it. First of all, it only increases our odds of success by 5%. Woopdeedoo. Secondly, it increases our chances of multiples from <5% to 50-60%. UGH! AND then she had to go and tell me that she just went to a funeral for twins. Thanks. Really needed to hear that right now *eye roll*
And so I'm still in the waiting game. I started the second medication (Lupron) two days ago and so far haven't felt any different on it...whew. But don't feel any better either...sigh. Perhaps after the new cycle begins and I get some estrogen into my system I'll perk back up...and stop eating everything in sight.
My adrenals have been wonky ever since this cycle began. The small dose of hydrocortisone I was trying (5-10mg), that had helped in the previous cycle, was no longer doing the trick. So at first I increased it to 20mg, thinking I probably needed at least that much...but it proved to be too much, so now I'm trying 15mg. I haven't quite hit the sweet spot yet, but I'm working on it. I tried to get my old doctor's help with this, but he wanted to mess with my thyroid medication AGAIN...so I said screw it. I did it on my own before and I can do it on my own again. I've got enough medication side effects to deal with right now without completely changing my thyroid medication too!
I finished reading a book today called "Silent Sorority." It's about one woman's journey through infertility, which did not conclude with a happy ending (as most infertility books do). It was refreshing to hear from someone who ended up involuntarily childless, but survived. It gives me hope that even if our dreams don't come true, I will still have an existence worth cherishing. It certainly won't be easy living outside the status quo, but hey...I feel like I've been outside of that my entire life. Why should my adulthood be any different? :\
Thursday, August 25, 2011
That was fast!
Not only did my next cycle start earlier than I was expecting, but I also got the go-ahead to begin the 6-week FET process!!! YAY! :D This means I'll be back on birth control for 3 weeks (UGH), and will start two other meds in due course. The actual embryo transfer will most likely happen around the first week in October and we should find out the results a couple of weeks after that. Just in time for hubby's birthday!
I'm finding myself really scared of the medication side effects this time around. I had a two day taste of what "normal" feels like, and I miss it already :( Hopefully it's just an anomaly, but here I am 2 days into taking birth control and I'm already experiencing insomnia *sigh* Hubby and I even had a discussion tonight about the possibility of transferring two embryos, to raise our odds of success. Up until now we've always said we'd just use one, but I'm not sure I can put myself through this hormonal upheaval again. It may be worth the possibility of having twins just to move past this shit. We'll see when we get there.
Here's hoping I can find some distractions to make these 6 weeks go by faster!
I'm finding myself really scared of the medication side effects this time around. I had a two day taste of what "normal" feels like, and I miss it already :( Hopefully it's just an anomaly, but here I am 2 days into taking birth control and I'm already experiencing insomnia *sigh* Hubby and I even had a discussion tonight about the possibility of transferring two embryos, to raise our odds of success. Up until now we've always said we'd just use one, but I'm not sure I can put myself through this hormonal upheaval again. It may be worth the possibility of having twins just to move past this shit. We'll see when we get there.
Here's hoping I can find some distractions to make these 6 weeks go by faster!
Friday, August 19, 2011
Let it Snow!
It's official! We have snowbabies in the freezer!! And remember how we were hoping for more than 8? We got ELEVEN!!! I can still scarcely believe it! :D Hubby was hoping for 12...I figured I'd be a little more realistic and hope for 10...and we got smack dab in the middle :) How perfect is that?
Each embryo made it to the blastocyst stage and was graded before freezing. I don't fully understand the scale they use, but I know they're judging two separate aspects of the embryo and the grades range from A (best) to C (worst). Five of our embies were graded AB and six of them were graded BB - which is quite good from what I've ascertained :) The nurse said that AA ratings are rare and that our embryos looked "beautiful." :D
So now all we can do is wait. Once my next cycle begins, we'll see how my system is doing and have a talk with the doctor about what comes next (and when). Thankfully, at the moment anyway, I'm not feeling too impatient about it. I'm more impatient about feeling back to normal :) But it's slowly coming. I'm sure I'll feel fine again soon. And in the meantime, I'll be thinking about those eleven little snowbabies, hoping that one of them will come home with us soon :)
Each embryo made it to the blastocyst stage and was graded before freezing. I don't fully understand the scale they use, but I know they're judging two separate aspects of the embryo and the grades range from A (best) to C (worst). Five of our embies were graded AB and six of them were graded BB - which is quite good from what I've ascertained :) The nurse said that AA ratings are rare and that our embryos looked "beautiful." :D
So now all we can do is wait. Once my next cycle begins, we'll see how my system is doing and have a talk with the doctor about what comes next (and when). Thankfully, at the moment anyway, I'm not feeling too impatient about it. I'm more impatient about feeling back to normal :) But it's slowly coming. I'm sure I'll feel fine again soon. And in the meantime, I'll be thinking about those eleven little snowbabies, hoping that one of them will come home with us soon :)
Monday, August 15, 2011
Into the Woods
I had a feeling that with estrogen levels over 8000, it was only a matter of time before I'd succumb to OHSS. And I was right. Saturday evening I began vomiting. By Sunday morning the vomiting had not subsided and I felt like death. I couldn't even walk without hubby's help :( Thankfully my clinic asked us to come in and gave me a saline IV. I was given 2 liters of fluids, plus anti-nausea and pain meds. I still felt really bad all day and had horrible abdominal pain that night. But since waking up this morning I feel much better.
Today's ultrasound did show some free fluid in my abdomen, but not enough to warrant draining, more IV's or hospitalization. My electrolytes aren't too crazy either. WHEW! It seems my case of OHSS is a moderate one and as long as I keep up with my fluid intake, I should be ok...eventually. It can take up to 3 weeks for it to completely resolve :\
The good news is that the embryos are doing well! 19 of them split and are in the 7-9 cell range as of today :) Yay!! I'm so proud of our little sea monkeys! My doctor thinks that 8 of them will probably make it to freeze, but that's still a great number to work with :) I'm going to keep hoping that we get even more than that.
Today's ultrasound did show some free fluid in my abdomen, but not enough to warrant draining, more IV's or hospitalization. My electrolytes aren't too crazy either. WHEW! It seems my case of OHSS is a moderate one and as long as I keep up with my fluid intake, I should be ok...eventually. It can take up to 3 weeks for it to completely resolve :\
The good news is that the embryos are doing well! 19 of them split and are in the 7-9 cell range as of today :) Yay!! I'm so proud of our little sea monkeys! My doctor thinks that 8 of them will probably make it to freeze, but that's still a great number to work with :) I'm going to keep hoping that we get even more than that.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
I used to think the sum of 1 and 1 was 2...
But apparently when hubby and I get together, we add up to more :) Of the 27 eggs retrieved yesterday, 24 were good enough for the ICSI fertilization procedure and out of those, 22 fertilized normally :D :D :D This is AMAZING!! I'm still in shock!!
I never imagined we'd get so many eggs and I certainly never dreamed so many of them would fertilize! This is a gift and we're so thankful. Up until now, this has all felt like science, biology, numbers and facts. But all of a sudden there are 22 little sparks of life out there that are part me and part hubby and I feel something new for them...I guess it's love :) I know they won't all divide, grow and thrive...but this is further than we've ever gotten before and I wish I could give each one a microscopic hug. I just woke up from a nap with this song in my head...it seems fitting :)
I'm still just as tired and sore as yesterday, but I haven't developed any new symptoms, which is good. From what I've read, OHSS doesn't typically show up until 2-3 days after retrieval, so I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm trying to stay positive and take it super easy. It's extremely lucky that retrieval happened on a Friday, so hubby can stay home taking care of me all weekend :)
As for what happens next - we'll get the next report on Monday and then the final report on Thursday before the embryos are frozen. Keep those fingers crossed that most of them make it :)
I never imagined we'd get so many eggs and I certainly never dreamed so many of them would fertilize! This is a gift and we're so thankful. Up until now, this has all felt like science, biology, numbers and facts. But all of a sudden there are 22 little sparks of life out there that are part me and part hubby and I feel something new for them...I guess it's love :) I know they won't all divide, grow and thrive...but this is further than we've ever gotten before and I wish I could give each one a microscopic hug. I just woke up from a nap with this song in my head...it seems fitting :)
I'm still just as tired and sore as yesterday, but I haven't developed any new symptoms, which is good. From what I've read, OHSS doesn't typically show up until 2-3 days after retrieval, so I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm trying to stay positive and take it super easy. It's extremely lucky that retrieval happened on a Friday, so hubby can stay home taking care of me all weekend :)
As for what happens next - we'll get the next report on Monday and then the final report on Thursday before the embryos are frozen. Keep those fingers crossed that most of them make it :)
Friday, August 12, 2011
EGGstraordinary!!
I can scarcely believe it! We got TWENTY SEVEN eggs at this morning's retrieval!! WOW!!! I'm eggstatic!! :D I thought for sure the egg count had dropped along with the follicle count, but apparently they were just hiding really well ;) This is just...amazing. With any luck, we'll get a nice fertilization report tomorrow and a nice number of embryos to freeze by the end of next week. Heck, with this number of eggs, we may never have to do IVF again! I don't want to count them before they hatch or put them all in one basket (lol), but I have a good feeling about these little guys. We've had all kinds of good "signs" over the past several days. And just minutes before the retrieval, this song played over the clinic's radio :D
Because of the high number of eggs, my risk of developing OHSS is higher still, so the doctor went ahead and prescribed me two medications to help. They won't prevent it, but will hopefully make it less severe at least. I'll be keeping super hydrated and hoping I stay feeling fine. Wish me and our little embies luck! :)
Because of the high number of eggs, my risk of developing OHSS is higher still, so the doctor went ahead and prescribed me two medications to help. They won't prevent it, but will hopefully make it less severe at least. I'll be keeping super hydrated and hoping I stay feeling fine. Wish me and our little embies luck! :)
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Here Comes the Egg Hunt!
My follicles are maturing just as they should be. They're the right size and growing at almost the same rate. I'm ready for my trigger shot tonight and then the egg retrieval/fertilization will take place Friday morning.
Then there's the bad news:
My maturing follicle count has decreased dramatically. The doctor counted 29 on Sunday, yet this morning he only counted 14. I haven't had a chance to ask about this yet, to know whether or not this is a common occurrence. But it doesn't seem like a good thing by any means. And the worst news - my estrogen level has skyrocketed past 8000, when it should be below 5000. Because of this, my risk of developing OHSS is very high and would be made even higher if we went ahead with the embryo transfer this cycle. So it's been cancelled :\
What this means is that all of the resulting high-quality embryos from this IVF cycle will be frozen for use at a later date. None of them will be transferred in "fresh." So there's zero chance that I will end up pregnant this month. Now, there are some positive aspects to this. For one, my uterus (and body in general) will be much happier during a non-medicated cycle, and many think that doing a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) actually has a better chance of success than fresh IVF because of this. Secondly, I'll hopefully avoid OHSS (or at least a serious case of it), which really is a big deal. It can land women in the hospital. And lastly, I won't be ready to pop at my BFF's wedding next spring XD
But, of course, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed with the news at all. How much thinner can our patience be stretched?? I just hope we get a really good number of eggs and embryos out of all this. That would at least mostly make up for having to wait AGAIN.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
And So I Wait
This song has been stuck in my head for days now...it's so apt for my present lack of patience and longing for a little one that needs me as much as I need them:
Contemplating everyday
Wondering if I’m wasting all of my time
You know I’m dedicating
Every thought on only you
My mommy used to tell me that
Patience is a virtue
[Chorus:]
And so I wait through the night
Cuz tomorrow you may find
That you will need me again
For some tender love and care
And so I wait hoping you,
Will discover you’re in love
That you need me as much as I need you
And so I’ll wait all my life
Hoping one day you will see that
Love’s a lock you’re the key
You will come and rescue me
And so I wait hoping you,
Will discover you’re in love
That you need me as much as I need you
It gets frustrating time and again
But I am not complaining cuz in the end
If I just keep believing
no matter what I’ll be with you
My mommy used to tell me that
Patience is a virtue
I know in my head that slow and steady wins the race and that applies to IVF as well. If my follicles matured too fast the resulting eggs could be immature. And logically I'm only 10 days into this cycle, so I shouldn't be surprised that it's not trigger time yet. But my heart is leaping ahead and dying to know how this is going to turn out! It also didn't help that the doctor who checked me out two days ago said that I'd probably be ready to go in 3-4 days...when in reality it will be longer than that. Argh!
But I can take solace in the knowledge that things are going WELL! Better than well even! GREAT! My follicle count last week was 24...well two days ago it was more like 29+! These are the kinds of numbers that most women going through IVF pray for! So I am DAMN LUCKY! Now, most likely there won't be 29 eggs at retrieval time. I would guess more like 15. And not all 15 of those will be viable and fertilize, so we will probably only end up with 7 embryos. But I am not complaining - that is a really good number to work with!!
The only problem with my high number of follicles is that they will result in a very high level of estrogen...and that can lead to Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS). My nurse actually told me that if they retrieve 20+ eggs, they will immediately start me on a medication to combat OHSS (Dostinex). And in the meantime I'm increasing my electrolyte and protein intake - hoping that will ward it off as well. It's a painful and potentially serious condition, so let's hope I can avoid it! Gaining 5+ pounds of fluid in 24 hours does not sound like fun!
My ovaries are already pretty painful. The doctor said that by retrieval time, they'll be the size of grapefruits, so it's no wonder! Today I started wearing sundresses so that there's nothing squeezing my abdomen. And really, I expected to be feeling MUCH worse by this point in the game, so I don't mind at all! Every twinge of pain reminds me that my body is doing what it's supposed to be doing...so all I can be is thankful :)
Send us some positive vibes tomorrow! With any luck, we'll be going on an egg hunt by the end of this week!
Contemplating everyday
Wondering if I’m wasting all of my time
You know I’m dedicating
Every thought on only you
My mommy used to tell me that
Patience is a virtue
[Chorus:]
And so I wait through the night
Cuz tomorrow you may find
That you will need me again
For some tender love and care
And so I wait hoping you,
Will discover you’re in love
That you need me as much as I need you
And so I’ll wait all my life
Hoping one day you will see that
Love’s a lock you’re the key
You will come and rescue me
And so I wait hoping you,
Will discover you’re in love
That you need me as much as I need you
It gets frustrating time and again
But I am not complaining cuz in the end
If I just keep believing
no matter what I’ll be with you
My mommy used to tell me that
Patience is a virtue
I know in my head that slow and steady wins the race and that applies to IVF as well. If my follicles matured too fast the resulting eggs could be immature. And logically I'm only 10 days into this cycle, so I shouldn't be surprised that it's not trigger time yet. But my heart is leaping ahead and dying to know how this is going to turn out! It also didn't help that the doctor who checked me out two days ago said that I'd probably be ready to go in 3-4 days...when in reality it will be longer than that. Argh!
But I can take solace in the knowledge that things are going WELL! Better than well even! GREAT! My follicle count last week was 24...well two days ago it was more like 29+! These are the kinds of numbers that most women going through IVF pray for! So I am DAMN LUCKY! Now, most likely there won't be 29 eggs at retrieval time. I would guess more like 15. And not all 15 of those will be viable and fertilize, so we will probably only end up with 7 embryos. But I am not complaining - that is a really good number to work with!!
The only problem with my high number of follicles is that they will result in a very high level of estrogen...and that can lead to Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS). My nurse actually told me that if they retrieve 20+ eggs, they will immediately start me on a medication to combat OHSS (Dostinex). And in the meantime I'm increasing my electrolyte and protein intake - hoping that will ward it off as well. It's a painful and potentially serious condition, so let's hope I can avoid it! Gaining 5+ pounds of fluid in 24 hours does not sound like fun!
My ovaries are already pretty painful. The doctor said that by retrieval time, they'll be the size of grapefruits, so it's no wonder! Today I started wearing sundresses so that there's nothing squeezing my abdomen. And really, I expected to be feeling MUCH worse by this point in the game, so I don't mind at all! Every twinge of pain reminds me that my body is doing what it's supposed to be doing...so all I can be is thankful :)
Send us some positive vibes tomorrow! With any luck, we'll be going on an egg hunt by the end of this week!
Friday, August 5, 2011
Grow Follies Grow!
My first post-stim appointment went well! My follicle count has increased from 13 to 24! They're all still small, but as long as they grow at about the same rate, I should end up with a very respectable number of mature follicles and eggs :) And, my estrogen level has hiked up to a level of 471, which is right where it should be. So my low-estrogen symptoms have mostly disappeared. WHEW!
I added in another medication today - that makes 3 shots per day. Woo! My poor stomach is full of bruises, but thankfully the only side effect I've experienced so far is dehydration. It's a good thing they make lower-sugar versions of Gatorade now ;) Just a couple more days until my next appointment. I'm so excited!!! :D
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Needed: Indiana Jones Fertility Idol
NOW I know why we haven't gotten pregnant yet...we don't have one of THESE in our house!
An Indiana Jones Golden Fertility Idol Pencil Holder! Obvi!! ;)
Those birth control pills sure did a knock up job of whacking out my hormone levels. My estrogen levels typically run high, but after suppressing my natural estrogen production for a month, the pills have left my levels depleted. While I was on them, they caused increased hunger, night sweats, heartburn and apathetic moods. And now that they're gone I'm left with insomnia, fatigue, high/low thyroid swings, migraines and struggling adrenals. Blah! I'm having to experiment on myself a bit to get through these next several days, but I know my estrogen levels will shoot back up very soon. So at least this is all temporary :)
Today and tomorrow are movie days. And my mom provided me with another bag of childhood photos to scan, so that should occupy a good chunk of time leading up to my next appointment. Hopefully that will keep me from obsessing over the IVF too much :)
An Indiana Jones Golden Fertility Idol Pencil Holder! Obvi!! ;)
Those birth control pills sure did a knock up job of whacking out my hormone levels. My estrogen levels typically run high, but after suppressing my natural estrogen production for a month, the pills have left my levels depleted. While I was on them, they caused increased hunger, night sweats, heartburn and apathetic moods. And now that they're gone I'm left with insomnia, fatigue, high/low thyroid swings, migraines and struggling adrenals. Blah! I'm having to experiment on myself a bit to get through these next several days, but I know my estrogen levels will shoot back up very soon. So at least this is all temporary :)
Today and tomorrow are movie days. And my mom provided me with another bag of childhood photos to scan, so that should occupy a good chunk of time leading up to my next appointment. Hopefully that will keep me from obsessing over the IVF too much :)
Friday, July 29, 2011
Let's Get This Party Started!
This morning's doctors appointment was a success! I've got 13 follicles ready to grow. My estrogen and progesterone levels are good. And I get to start my stimulation medication in two days!! :) I haven't been sleeping well this week, so we're going to take it easy over the next couple of days. But I'm glad of that. It will give me time to truly relax and breathe before getting on this roller coaster. You get so busy physically preparing yourself for this procedure that it's easy to forget to take time for mental preparation.
Since going public about our conception issues and impending IVF, I've had several people privately applaud my bravery and thank me for being open about the subject. Infertility is [unfortunately] still a taboo topic in our culture and many suffer in silence. But I'm not sure if speaking openly about this condition makes me brave or simply uncouth. Although, many of my heroes (fictional or otherwise) were uncouth individuals, so I wouldn't take that term as an insult :) Then again, I don't disagree that sticking myself with needles requires bravery...so perhaps I'll be sorted into Gryffindor after all! ;)
I've been off of birth control for three days now. [Isn't it funny that they make you take birth control before IVF? Seems so contradictory.] And I'm finally starting to feel like myself again. One thing that's become shockingly clear to me over the past 3 years is how much of a slave I am to my hormones. Whether they be thyroid hormones, adrenal hormones or sex hormones, they can turn me into a completely different person depending on their levels. It's not quite as bad as Jekyll and Hyde (yes, my husband may disagree), but my spirit feels absolutely blocked at times...locked behind a wall of hormones that won't budge. If my focus weren't on getting pregnant, I would work harder on finding the correct balance and staying there. But you don't have that luxury with IVF :) They will be all over the place and that will be ok, because the end result is so worth it. But I want to make sure I record the days when I "feel it." Like this morning. These two songs played in the car and just made my spirit soar :) I know I'm on the right track.
Since going public about our conception issues and impending IVF, I've had several people privately applaud my bravery and thank me for being open about the subject. Infertility is [unfortunately] still a taboo topic in our culture and many suffer in silence. But I'm not sure if speaking openly about this condition makes me brave or simply uncouth. Although, many of my heroes (fictional or otherwise) were uncouth individuals, so I wouldn't take that term as an insult :) Then again, I don't disagree that sticking myself with needles requires bravery...so perhaps I'll be sorted into Gryffindor after all! ;)
I've been off of birth control for three days now. [Isn't it funny that they make you take birth control before IVF? Seems so contradictory.] And I'm finally starting to feel like myself again. One thing that's become shockingly clear to me over the past 3 years is how much of a slave I am to my hormones. Whether they be thyroid hormones, adrenal hormones or sex hormones, they can turn me into a completely different person depending on their levels. It's not quite as bad as Jekyll and Hyde (yes, my husband may disagree), but my spirit feels absolutely blocked at times...locked behind a wall of hormones that won't budge. If my focus weren't on getting pregnant, I would work harder on finding the correct balance and staying there. But you don't have that luxury with IVF :) They will be all over the place and that will be ok, because the end result is so worth it. But I want to make sure I record the days when I "feel it." Like this morning. These two songs played in the car and just made my spirit soar :) I know I'm on the right track.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
I'm Always Chasing Rainbows
As much as I love rainbows and Judy Garland, I actually became aware of this song from The Parent Trap III (I adore those movies!). And the lyrics seemed to fit the struggle of infertility so well, I had to post it here:
At the end of the rainbow there's happiness
and to find it how often I've tried
but my life is a race, just a wild goose chase
and my dreams have all been denied!
Why have I always been a failure?
What can the reason be?
I wonder if the world's to blame?
I wonder if it could be me?
I'm always chasing rainbows
watching clouds drifting by!
My schemes are just like all of my dreams
ending in the sky!
Some fellows look and find the sunshine
I always look and find the rain!
Some fellows make a winning sometime
I never even make a gain!
Believe me . . .
I'm always chasing rainbows
waiting to find a little blue bird in vain!
At the end of the rainbow there's happiness
and to find it how often I've tried
but my life is a race, just a wild goose chase
and my dreams have all been denied!
Why have I always been a failure?
What can the reason be?
I wonder if the world's to blame?
I wonder if it could be me?
I'm always chasing rainbows
watching clouds drifting by!
My schemes are just like all of my dreams
ending in the sky!
Some fellows look and find the sunshine
I always look and find the rain!
Some fellows make a winning sometime
I never even make a gain!
Believe me . . .
I'm always chasing rainbows
waiting to find a little blue bird in vain!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Help me IVF w/ICSI, you're my only hope!
It's tough being told that you have one hope of getting pregnant. Either you do this procedure, or you're SOL. Well that's what my doctor has told me and after almost 3 years of trying on our own without ONE positive pregnancy test, it appears he's right. So starting this weekend, I'll be doing my first round of IVF w/ICSI. I tried IUI a couple of months ago (but was cancelled due to over-response), so I have an idea of what I'm getting myself into. Shots, pills, ultrasounds, blood draws, and general hormonal havoc are a given. Discomfort and money-bleeding are absolute. But the minor "surgery" that is egg retrieval will be a brand new experience. And I can't wait for ANY of it :D
It's hard to believe that this might actually work. At the end of this struggle, we might actually get a take-home-baby. And what an adventure THAT would be! But honestly I don't allow myself to dwell on this possible positive outcome very often. Often enough to keep hope alive, yes. But any more than that just leads to heartache and even greater disappointment if it fails. I do my part and let the doctors do theirs, but otherwise I try to keep myself busy and focus on other things. BUT, even if that's the case, I know there are times I will want to write about the good and bad parts of this experience. Whether it works or not, I'll want to remember these times and feelings, albeit for differing reasons. I'll want to know that we gave it our best shot and if it still doesn't work, it just wasn't meant to be. AND WE WILL BE OK.
Once I'm in the middle of the inevitable emotional swings these medications will cause, I'm sure I won't be thinking as clearly. I'll change from a logical Vulcan to a raging Klingon. But this blog will help me focus and help me remember that whatever the outcome, our lives are not over. They're just beginning! So if you are here reading about our adventure, send some positive vibes our way and wish us luck! :)
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