Needed: Indiana Jones Fertility Idol

NOW I know why we haven't gotten pregnant yet...we don't have one of THESE in our house!

An Indiana Jones Golden Fertility Idol Pencil Holder! Obvi!! ;)

Those birth control pills sure did a knock up job of whacking out my hormone levels. My estrogen levels typically run high, but after suppressing my natural estrogen production for a month, the pills have left my levels depleted. While I was on them, they caused increased hunger, night sweats, heartburn and apathetic moods. And now that they're gone I'm left with insomnia, fatigue, high/low thyroid swings, migraines and struggling adrenals. Blah! I'm having to experiment on myself a bit to get through these next several days, but I know my estrogen levels will shoot back up very soon. So at least this is all temporary :)

Today and tomorrow are movie days. And my mom provided me with another bag of childhood photos to scan, so that should occupy a good chunk of time leading up to my next appointment. Hopefully that will keep me from obsessing over the IVF too much :)

Let's Get This Party Started!

This morning's doctors appointment was a success! I've got 13 follicles ready to grow. My estrogen and progesterone levels are good. And I get to start my stimulation medication in two days!! :) I haven't been sleeping well this week, so we're going to take it easy over the next couple of days. But I'm glad of that. It will give me time to truly relax and breathe before getting on this roller coaster. You get so busy physically preparing yourself for this procedure that it's easy to forget to take time for mental preparation.

Since going public about our conception issues and impending IVF, I've had several people privately applaud my bravery and thank me for being open about the subject. Infertility is [unfortunately] still a taboo topic in our culture and many suffer in silence. But I'm not sure if speaking openly about this condition makes me brave or simply uncouth. Although, many of my heroes (fictional or otherwise) were uncouth individuals, so I wouldn't take that term as an insult :) Then again, I don't disagree that sticking myself with needles requires bravery...so perhaps I'll be sorted into Gryffindor after all! ;)

I've been off of birth control for three days now. [Isn't it funny that they make you take birth control before IVF? Seems so contradictory.] And I'm finally starting to feel like myself again. One thing that's become shockingly clear to me over the past 3 years is how much of a slave I am to my hormones. Whether they be thyroid hormones, adrenal hormones or sex hormones, they can turn me into a completely different person depending on their levels. It's not quite as bad as Jekyll and Hyde (yes, my husband may disagree), but my spirit feels absolutely blocked at times...locked behind a wall of hormones that won't budge. If my focus weren't on getting pregnant, I would work harder on finding the correct balance and staying there. But you don't have that luxury with IVF :) They will be all over the place and that will be ok, because the end result is so worth it. But I want to make sure I record the days when I "feel it." Like this morning. These two songs played in the car and just made my spirit soar :) I know I'm on the right track.

I'm Always Chasing Rainbows

As much as I love rainbows and Judy Garland, I actually became aware of this song from The Parent Trap III (I adore those movies!). And the lyrics seemed to fit the struggle of infertility so well, I had to post it here:

At the end of the rainbow there's happiness 
and to find it how often I've tried
but my life is a race, just a wild goose chase 
and my dreams have all been denied!

Why have I always been a failure? 
What can the reason be?
I wonder if the world's to blame? 
I wonder if it could be me?

I'm always chasing rainbows 
watching clouds drifting by!
My schemes are just like all of my dreams 
ending in the sky!

Some fellows look and find the sunshine 
I always look and find the rain!
Some fellows make a winning sometime 
I never even make a gain!

Believe me . . . 

I'm always chasing rainbows 
waiting to find a little blue bird in vain!

Help me IVF w/ICSI, you're my only hope!

It's tough being told that you have one hope of getting pregnant. Either you do this procedure, or you're SOL. Well that's what my doctor has told me and after almost 3 years of trying on our own without ONE positive pregnancy test, it appears he's right. So starting this weekend, I'll be doing my first round of IVF w/ICSI. I tried IUI a couple of months ago (but was cancelled due to over-response), so I have an idea of what I'm getting myself into. Shots, pills, ultrasounds, blood draws, and general hormonal havoc are a given. Discomfort and money-bleeding are absolute. But the minor "surgery" that is egg retrieval will be a brand new experience. And I can't wait for ANY of it :D

It's hard to believe that this might actually work. At the end of this struggle, we might actually get a take-home-baby. And what an adventure THAT would be! But honestly I don't allow myself to dwell on this possible positive outcome very often. Often enough to keep hope alive, yes. But any more than that just leads to heartache and even greater disappointment if it fails. I do my part and let the doctors do theirs, but otherwise I try to keep myself busy and focus on other things. BUT, even if that's the case, I know there are times I will want to write about the good and bad parts of this experience. Whether it works or not, I'll want to remember these times and feelings, albeit for differing reasons. I'll want to know that we gave it our best shot and if it still doesn't work, it just wasn't meant to be. AND WE WILL BE OK.

Once I'm in the middle of the inevitable emotional swings these medications will cause, I'm sure I won't be thinking as clearly. I'll change from a logical Vulcan to a raging Klingon. But this blog will help me focus and help me remember that whatever the outcome, our lives are not over. They're just beginning! So if you are here reading about our adventure, send some positive vibes our way and wish us luck! :)