Let Me Give Up

I've encountered an odd response from some folks after telling them the FET didn't work and we might stop trying. They tell me not to give up...that when the time is right we'll have our baby...that we just have to have faith and keep pushing forward. Now I know they're trying to be positive and helpful - I don't get angry at this response. But I've realized that our society has become so success-driven that nobody knows how to let someone fail.

My husband came up with a metaphor that describes the feeling perfectly:

Imagine that you're running a 3-mile race. You get through the first mile with only a mild level of discomfort. A few people are cheering you on, making you feel like you've got this. They've run this race before and it wasn't so bad for them. So you keep going. It's getting a little tougher and the sun is beating down on you hotter, but you've trained for this and you're convinced that you can make it, so you push on and make it to the second mile marker.


The third mile is completely uphill and you trip a few times on the way up, but you're almost there, so you keep on keeping on. A few more friends and family have joined the ranks of people cheering for you, and that gives you the strength to put one foot in front of the other. But once you reach the top of the hill, you notice that they've moved the finish line! The race is now another mile long, at the very least. You're frustrated, but you're strong, so you keep running. Everyone else is still in, so you figure you can do it too. Someone even throws you a water bottle from the sidelines to help keep you hydrated. 


You've found your second wind, but out of nowhere a mountain lion runs out of the woods and attacks you! Thankfully someone has a gun and kills it before it kills you, but you're a lot worse for wear. You consider stopping the race...I mean, they've already changed the rules on you once, who's to say they won't do it again? But everyone around you is still running and more people you care about have come out to cheer you on, so you dust yourself off and continue on. 


But just as you suspected, once you hit the four mile marker you see that they've moved the finish line AGAIN! A couple of people decide to quit here, but you're stubborn and you don't want to let anybody down, so you run some more. It can't be THAT much further, can it? You trip on a couple of rocks as your strength starts to fail you. You're sweaty, bloody, dehydrated and exhausted, but now people are cheering even louder! They're throwing you water bottles, towels, fans, food...anything you ask for. But it's just not helping anymore. You can barely breathe when you realize that the finish line is still nowhere in sight. But still they push you on!


You see them giving dirty looks to the "quitters" so you press on so as not to be one of "them." Who wants to be a loser? Who wants to be a failure? But after awhile more, you start not to care anymore. You'll take any title they throw at you if you can just make it stop. You cry out in desperation, but it's as if nobody hears you. They smile and cheer on. You try even harder, but there's just nothing left to give. You're a shell of the person you were when you started the race. 


Finally you've had enough and you stop running. You sit down and attempt to bring your body back into balance. You really wanted that ribbon, but you're not willing to kill yourself to get it. You see some runners trekking on and wonder how they do it. You figure that they wanted it more than you did...or were willing to sacrifice more to get it. Your family and friends don't give you dirty looks for quitting. Most of them even applaud you for going as long as you did. But others don't seem quite satisfied. They prod you to run another race as soon as you feel up to it, when you're not sure you ever want to put on your running shoes again.


I've come to accept failure as just another path in the road of life. It may be the road less traveled, and some may judge me for heading down it, but my happiness is not up to them. I have to find it for myself. I know that I gave trying-to-conceive my all (and then some) and that gives me comfort. Hopefully one day "giving up" will be a respected option in the infertility quest as well.