As I'm sure you can imagine by now, we found out yesterday that I'm not pregnant. The FET completely failed (beta test was negative) and our beautiful little blastocyst didn't make it. It's not considered a miscarriage if the embryo never even implanted, but the pain and loss we're experiencing is about the same as if it were. One moment there was a spark of life we had created that had the potential of being our take-home-baby, and the next moment it was gone.
And the fact that it didn't implant is not a good sign. Strange as it sounds, in the infertility world, a miscarriage (or "chemical" if it's a very early miscarriage) is actually considered to be a good thing. It means that your embryos are strong enough to attempt implantation and that the woman's body is receptive to pregnancy. And it typically means that you should keep trying, because that particular embryo may have been abnormal, but the next one may not be.
But a completely negative test (implantation failure)? That most likely means that either your embryos are crap (and good luck figuring out if that's due to the egg quality or sperm quality) or it means that the woman's body is crap. And neither is easily diagnosed or treated (if it can be diagnosed/treated at all). Or it could mean absolutely nothing other than the stars were out of alignment and karma was kicking you while you were down (I knew I shouldn't have stolen that Strawberry Shortcake figure I found on the floor in kindergarten!). But either way, I'm sick to death of all the testing/treatment. I'm sick of being poked and prodded...sick of opening my legs up for anyone in a lab coat/scrubs to see...sick of shots and pills...sick of a plethora of side effects...sick of the depression all of this causes...and most of all, sick of not feeling like myself. I haven't been "me" for MONTHS and that's just CRAP.
So what happens now? I get my health and my life back, that's what. After three years of trying to conceive and four and a half months of complete hormonal upheaval, I'm going to take a break. I'm going to let my system return to 'normal.' I'm going to find the rainbow sparkles that have gone missing from my soul and put them back. I'm going to enjoy my wonderful life (because apart from infertility, I have a stinking awesome life). I'm going to stop putting everything on hold. I'm going to improve my self and my relationships. And I'm going to be happy again, damn it!
Will we try again? We don't know yet. If my doctor will let me do a non-medicated FET and our insurance still covers it by the time we give a shit again...maybe. Or maybe we'll just be the most awesome geeky child free couple EVER. Who knows? The universe hasn't made its path for us clear yet. But until it does, I'm going to enjoy the hell out of the life I have...as soon as my hormones let me.
3 comments:
I am so, so sorry, All of this just sucks. But I will say this: I am not trying to be all rainbows and unicorns, but a failure to implant, a truly negative beta does NOT mean you cannot get pregnant or that there is anything wrong with you. From a purely medical perspective, there is nothing wrong with my eggs or my uterus. (Our only dx is severe MFI.) But, 3 out of four of our beautiful 5 day blasts that we transferred after two fresh IVF cycles didn't make it. And it hurt. It hurt horribly. The darkest days of my life have been all about infertility.
As horrible as I felt after that first negative beta, knowing that it didn't work and it might never work, I know with the blessing of hindsight that our failure then didn't mean that we would always fail. I don't claim that a 25% implantation rate of 5 day blasts is good, but it's all we needed. Nothing will ever erase the pain of the journey. And I hope that my words are helping rather than making it worse!! I just wanted you to know that a negative beta can happen even if there is nothing wrong.
Big hugs to you!! I hope that your break gives you peace and happiness, and that in time this pain will not hurt quite as sharply. I won't pretend that the pain goes away, but it does dull.
I am so sorry this has happened. I can understand wanting to get your life back. It looks like you can at least make blasts so that is a good thing. I know more testing sucks but it may be worth it. Good Luck!
Jenn - Thank you for the input! I've edited the post a bit, as I don't want to spread misinformation. You're right - the implantation failure could mean absolutely nothing. But right now it feels like yet ANOTHER stumbling block and the least easy one to do something about. And after awhile, I have to wonder if the universe is telling me to give up already. I'm really happy that it finally worked for you!
Krista - If they want to run some more blood tests on me (like immune testing), I'm fine with that. But I'm not hopping in the stirrups again for a LONG time. Thanks for the luck!
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